


Can you read my mind?

by SpookyFaces



Category: My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Drinking, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Poetry, Psychotropic Drugs, Writers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-11-18 01:22:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11280792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: Josh is a young writer who got in the university of his dream, where he meets Tyler, deep, mysterious, intimidating boy, who thinks too much and makes Josh feel things he's never felt before.





	1. underground speakeasy

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the movie "Kill your darlings."
> 
>  
> 
> I am re-posting this, because several chapters got deleted in the previous work. And I am editing/changing it a little.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy <3

I couldn’t believe it. I got in. I got in Columbia. This is something I've wished and dreamt for 10 years now. All my life I’ve been watching my father’s chances slipping away from his hands. I’ve seen his marvelous ups and his horrible,horrible downs. I’ve seen the struggle, the pain, the distress of a writer. And I fell in love with it. It filled me up, every bone, every atom in my body belonged here. In this university. Under this bricks and stones. This was my destiny.  
I’ve been standing in from of the door,leading to the room, which has been releasing the soft melody for over an hour now. Brahms, symphony #3. The one which made me and my mother dance around her dark bedroom about a month ago. The minute I’ve heard it, I knew I had to meet the person who filled the ugly halls of our dormitory with these fairy notes.  
I knocked. Three times. I always knock three times.  
The door opened instantly. Tall, thin boy with cold,dark smirk and brown, coffee-coloured hair was standing in front of me. His eyes were filled with passion for something great. Cigarette was placed between his full lips. I cleared my throat, and tried really hard not to sound too rapturous. But I was. God knew I was. The boy was beautiful.

“Brahms?” 

He didn’t answer. His smirk just grew wider. He turned around, leaving the door open. I guessed that was an invitation, so I stepped it. The boy neared the record player, turning the volume down. 

“You want to drink?” - His voice was something from another planet. I didn’t expect it to be so soft, quiet and intimidating at the same time.

“You-You drink in your room?” - I couldn’t hide my curiosity and surprise.

Again, the boy didn’t answer. He reached out to the bottle standing on the desk.

"How does a horrible bottle of Chianti sound?” 

“I don’t drink. But thanks.” - I mumbled and felt slightly embarrassed for my response.

“Freshman?” 

“Uh, yes.” - I smiled at him.

He returned the smile. Not the ironical, cold smirk he had before. No. THE smile.

“Excellent. I love first times. I want my whole life to be composed of them. Life is only interesting if life is wide.” - He said and landed on the couch, inhaling the smoke from his cigarette.

I was astonished. The words leaving his mouth were so soft, I felt like they were stroking my messed brain.

“I am Josh.. Josh Dun.” - I approached him, still smiling and lending my hand to shake.

He looked up at me, surprised. And I was feeling more embarrassed now.

“Tyler Joseph” - He murmured and shook my hand. His hands were trembling, I’ve noticed. “Sit down, Joshua. Make yourself at home” - He said and moved a little. An unspoken invitation, once again. 

“Oh, okay.” - I sat down near him. I examined his face. It was.. perfect? Even though I’ve lived with a writer and have been raised as one, I couldn’t find any other word that could describe him better. He was perfect. And I was staring, God damn it. Tyler definitely felt my gaze and turned his head, his deep, dark eyes stopping on my slightly scared ones.

“You know, you walked in and broke the circle, Joshua. “ - My name felt safe on his tongue. I didn’t know why. 

“The circle?”

“The circle,yes. An endless wheel of living and dying. And then you came in here, you rupture the pattern. And bang, the whole world gets..”

“Wider?” - I interrupted him.

His eyes got bigger from the surprise. I noticed the passion lighting up again in them.

“How did you..”

"Consonance. Reiteration of themes.” - He looked surprised. “I am sorry, I just..”

“Are you a writer?” - he asked.

“No.I mean not yet..” - Tyler smiled at me,

"Well, you’re not _anything_ yet.”

Suddenly, he jumped out of the couch, grabbing his coat.

“Hey where.. Where are you going?”

“We. We are going. Downtown.” - He winked and grabbed my hand, dragging me into the hall with him. 

“Wait I need to take my jacket.” - I let his hand go, oh, I wish I didn’t have to. But I did. I stormed into my room, grabbing my jacket and run back, catching up to Tyler on the stairs. He turned, obviously loving this. The puppy following his new master.

**

This house was nothing like anything I’ve seen before. So many people. Kissing, hugging, smoking and drinking. The smell of love and sex. A black man making out with a white woman. An older, elegant woman sharing a cigarette with a boy half her age. It felt like the edge of the world. It was a pure bohemia.  
Suddenly, Tyler grabbed a drunk, young blonde girl from the crowd and smashed his lips on hers. Then, he pulled away, reaching out for a glass of drink in her hands and taking it away with him. 

“Did you know her?” - What was it, jealousy?

“No. and I don't plan on it. She tasted like imported sophistication and domestic cigarettes.” - Honestly? I was shocked.

“Tyler! My man!” - I saw the lanky brunette with a shiny hair and a beautiful smile approaching us.

“Hello, Brendy.” - Tyler smiled and hugged the other man. Brendy (That’s what I heard, at least) pulled away and neared me, brows arched from the surprise.

“Who’s your friend,Ty-guy?”

“Oh,that's Josh. Josh Dun. A writer, almost. He's a freshman. And loves Brahms.” - He smiled at me, and I felt my knees shaking.

“Yeah, hi.” - I waved, but was taken by the surprise when the boy grabbed me and locked into his embrace.

“Hello, Josh. I’m Brendon. Tyler’s best friend. The king of this.. Well of all the parties in this town. It is a big pleasure for you to meet me.” - He patted my shoulders and pulled away, smiling with the brightest and widest smile i’ve ever seen on anyone.

“Come on now. I’ve got some magic for you and your little friend, Ty.” - He leaded us to the room. Tyler, once again, took my hand and and headed to follow him. Brendon sat down on the floor near the bathtub, and pulled something out form his pocket.

“You have to try this,man..” - Tyler took the wrapped cigarette (yeah,right,cigarette) from his friend and lighted it. He inhaled, closing his eyes and reaching it out to me.

“Jish, don’t turn me down.” - I couldn’t refuse. I was not a child anymore. And I really didn’t want to disappoint Tyler. So I took it from his shaking fingers.

“Jish,huh?” - A small laugh escaped my mouth.

“Yeah.. Jish.”- Tyler looked straight into my eyes,smiling.

Oh what did I get myself into..

“Ty, you’ve seen Chris already?” - Brendon asked.

“No..” - Tyler’s voice cracked. 

“Well he's giving one of his shitty lectures to some stupid people down the hall. Let’s go visit him.” - Brendon straightened up. Tyler nodded and looked at me.

“Prepare yourself,Joshua.” - He said ironically.

“What?” - I couldn’t hide my surprise. “Who’s Chris?”

“You’ll see.” - He said and headed out of the bathroom. Of course I followed.

We walked to the other side of the house, into the huge living room full of people. They were standing still, listening to the tall,masculine man in the center talking about something that seemed to be really important to him.

"...What there is, darlings and demoiselles, is a circle. Life is round. Patterns, routines, a wheel of self-abuse..” - I turned around to face Tyler, leaning on the door frame. 

“He sounds like you." 

“Because it was me. First. I taught him those words, those thoughts. He used to be my friend. He said he was my guardian angel, but that I was too much work.” - Tyler sounded sad for a moment. My eyes landed back on the man, who was now looking at us, eyes growing wide. His voice became more quiet, lips twitched.

“And the circle is broken..”

“Like your heart,huh?” - It was Brendon. He was standing near me. His words were quiet, but Chris heard him, for sure, because his eyes flinched with a pain for a second, but then the smile was back on him again. Chris ignored Brendon.

“I am sincerely sorry, ladies and gentlemen. But I have to leave you now.” - With these words, the guy crossed through the crowd towards us, eyes focused on Tyler.

“Hello, Christopher.” - Tyler hissed when he neared us.

“Tyler.” - The guy nodded and looked at me. ”Who the hell is this?

“How rude, Christopher. Shame on you.” - Tyler straightened, arms crossing on his chest. “This is Josh. My new friend.”

“Friend,huh?” - Chris lifted his eyebrow and looked back at Tyler, who was sarcastically smirking now. “Well,under the right circumstances, even he might change the world.”

I felt disgust in his words. He already hated me. But why?

“You said you’d come yesterday.” - Chris whispered, and I realized it was not meant to be heard by me. But obviously, the guy didn’t care.

“I say a lot of things, darling.” - Tyler rolled his eyes and sighed.

“I was waiting..” - his voice cracked 

“Oh, please. Drop the sentiments, Christopher. You did what I asked you to do?”

“Uh, yes. Your essay - it’s ready.” - Chris smiled at the younger man, but the nod was the only thing he got in return.

“Nice. Josh?” - Tyler looked at me. “I’m heading back to the dorm. Brendon’s coming. What about you?”

What kind of question it was? Of course i was going with him. I didn’t know anyone on this stupid party, and this Chris guy definitely hated me already.

“Yeah i’m comin..” - Before I could finish my sentence, Tyler grabbed my hand (he really liked doing this, I guess) and smiled at me (he definitely liked doing this too.) 

“Good bye, Christopher. I’ll come back for my essay tomorrow.”- He mumbled, without looking at the man and turned around. “Brendy?”

“Yes, my son?!” - Brendon shouted from the other side of the room, he was flirting with some hot girl in the corner.

“We’re leaving.” 

Brendon pushed the girl away. “Sorry sweetheart, but once a wise man said “Bros over Hoes. so yeah, see ya.” - He winked and run towards us, eyes scanning Chris.

“Christopher, don’t cry too much before sleep tonight, you will look like shit.” - He smirked and left the room. I felt really bad for Chris.

“It was nice to meet you.” - I smiled at him, but was met with cold, emotionless face and my smile fell down as the guy walked away from me.

“Fuck him” - Tyler whispered in my ear, causing me to jump a little. He walked out of the room, literally dragging me with him.. And I was okay with following him anywhere.


	2. unbloomed stalwart

_two weeks later_

I’ve been lying awake in my bed for almost four hours now. I couldn’t force my eyelids to close, or my mind to stop traveling around the space. I was thinking too much. About my university, about one of Professors - Steeves, about books, Brendon.. And, of course about Tyler. I haven’t seen him today. I guess he was just hanging around at one of the parties, not caring about anything at all. Brendon was studying in Harvard, but he practically lived at underground pubs and dirty parties. How could he combine sleepless,drunk nights and high grades? 

One thing I didn’t expect at 4 am was a knock on my door. I rolled out of my bed, realizing how ineffective my attempt to sleep were. But who would visit me at this time? I hopes it was Tyler. Who else could it be? I opened my door and a huge grin appeared on my face. Of course it was him. Tyler was leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed on his chest. His hair was sticking in different directions, eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep (I hoped).

“Hey, Tyler”- I smiled at him. He let his arms fall and walked into my room, literally shoving me off his way. Okay, so this guy didn’t like invitations, and definitely did not like being polite. I closed the door and cleared my throat, searching for the right words.

“Couldn’t sleep?” - I asked. In fact, I was waiting for some kind of an apology from him. Something like “Sorry Josh, did I wake you up?” But it was Tyler we’re talking about. He simply did not care. He sat on edge of my bed, looking down at his shaking fingers.

“Have you written anything since you got here?” - He asked suddenly, still not making an eye contact with me. 

“Uh, yes. I wrote a sonnet for Professor Steeve’s homework.” - I laughed.

“Show me.” - his eyes finally left his fingers alone and were now swirling holes in my chest. I nodded and took a journal from my desk. I sat near Tyler and handed him the journal. His trembling hands could barely hold it. A rainstorm was beating against the windows.

"The rose that scents the summer air

grows from my beloved's hair…” - his voice was calming. I could fall asleep right here, right now.. Suddenly, he flipped through the journal and closed it. He looked disappointed. 

“Um..There is more..” - I wanted to show him my other poems, stuff I wrote before, but he interrupted me, his voice suddenly became too sad.

"I was wrong. Maybe you're not up for this after all.” - He said and fell back to my bed, closing his eyes. Again, I saw staring. In disbelief this time. Shocked,you might say. I jumped off the bed, anger was filling me up.

“Why don’t you show me your fucking writing, Tyler?” - I snapped.

“I don’t have anything” - Tyler murmured, he sounded too calm, it made me more furious.

“Oh right, because your precious Chris is not here to write it for you!” - I shouted. Why was I shouting? What the hell was happening to me? Tyler climbed out of my bed, working really hard to steady himself. He was obviously drunk. And I was stupid. So stupid. Why did I even bring Chris up?

"He's a professor working as a janitor so he can be near his precious Ty-Ty. He is a goddamn fruit who won't let me go.” - Tyler whispered. I arched my eyebrow, still not getting what he said. 

“He wants to fuck me,Joshua. He is not my friend.” - He whispered and his eyes locked on my face. His words detonated inside of me. Fuck me, I was so stupid.. The air became thick and heavy. Minutes passed in awkward silence.

"Then let’s get rid of him.” - I mumbled, and tried to drop the tension between us with a smile. But it never works.

"Right now, I just need you to write us something beautiful.” - He said and crashed on my bed. "First thought, best thought.” - He whispered.

I closed my eyes and sighed. When did I become Tyler's personal writer? And,more important, why did I like it? This boy messed up my mind, my thoughts. He crawled inside my brain and made himself a home. I opened my eyes just to see Tyler passed out on my bed. Once again, what did I get myself into..?

__

Tyler was leading me into the huge, but beautiful building. He hasn’t said a word since we left a dormitory. Or, I should say, since he grabbed my hand and literally dragged me out. He left all my questions unanswered. I just wanted to know where we were going. We walked up the stairs and stopped near the black,wooden door. 

“Knock” - He said, while lighting his cigarette. I knocked. Three times. We heard the footsteps approaching, then keys opening the door. Finally, I saw the host.

“Brendon?” - I asked, Tyler walked past Brendon and made his way in.

“Welcome to the Wonderland, Joshy. Come in, don’t be shy.” - Brendon smiled at me and moved away so I could walk in. The house was.. Fascinating. The walls covered in framed paintings, the room was complete with white marble and an enormous, crystal chandelier. I gasped, not being able to hide my emotions. 

“The Urie's family are richer than God.” - Tyler suddenly whispered in my ear. He crushed down on the couch near the guy with dark hair and sad eyes. Brendon looked at me and grinned. 

“Joshy,this is Ryan. Ryan, Joshy.” - He announced and sat near Tyler. Ryan looked up at me and tried to smile.

“Hello.” 

“Hey, nice to meet you.” - I smiled back.

“Sit down, Joshua, I’ve got something wonderful for you. “ - Brendon was playing with a small bottle between his fingers. I crouched and examined it.

“What.. How do I use it?” - I asked. God, I was so stupid. He smiled at me. 

"The Germans call it the “wonder drug.” Prescribed for super-human feats.” - He selected a green pill bottle and gave it to me. "But beware of the side-effects.” 

I was about to ask what did he mean, when Ryan spoke up.

"Sudden blindness, bouts of diarrhea, heart palpitations, and a severe decline in moral standards..” 

“What does it mean?”

“You’ll want to fuck everything that moves.”- Brendon said and looked over Tyler, who was sitting near him, staring at the ceiling,like he was frozen. “Or doesn’t move.” - He looked back at me and winked. _Oh,shit._

I nodded and took a pill from Brendon.

“Cheers!” - He exclaimed and swallowed his pill. I did the same. So did Ryan. But Tyler.. He was still staring. Well, I was doing the same now. Staring at him. Suddenly, everything became doubled. I heard the music coming down from the upper floor. _Brahms._

“Your upper neighbors have a good taste in music.” - I told Brendon and pointed to the ceiling. He looked at me for a moment, then bursting into hysterical laugh, tears started to flow down his face. Ryan laughed even harder, covering his face with the hands.

“Wha..” - I did not understand. What did I say? Brendon was literally on his knees now, laughing his guts out.

“There are no neighbors up there.” - Tyler said with a monotone voice. He was not even smiling.

“What do you mean? I swear to God I heard the music coming down from there."

“This is the last floor,Joshua.” - Tyler sighed.

Oh. Fuck me. This shit was really good. I closed my eyes and smiled at myself. Stupid, stupid Josh. After some time,I opened my eyes and jumped a little from what I saw. Brendon was sitting on Ryan’s lap, passionately kissing the boy’s lips, neck, cheeks. His hair, which was perfectly combed back all the time, was now falling on his forehead, but he didn’t seem to care. Ryan was busy kissing him back,letting out quiet moans. Suddenly, Brendon pulled away and laughed.

“I taste like magic!” - He shouted.

“You do.” - Ryan said. Brendon grabbed the back of other boy's neck, once again pulling him into the kiss. 

I felt awkward, my eyes leaving them and stopping on Tyler. It seemed like he didn’t even notice the couple making out right in front of him. He was examining his fingers. He really liked doing it. And you know what? 

I really liked him. And no, this was not because of the drugs. I liked this mysterious, extraordinary boy. I liked Tyler Joseph.


	3. I bet you don't even read

"Your crushes, your juvenile metaphysics. None of them belong on the page. It is the first principle of good creative work. A work of fiction you will deliver as your final exam.” - Professor Steeves was pacing in the classroom, his monotone voice echoing loudly. He looked at me, while I was writing my thoughts into my journal and ignoring the whole class.

“Mr. Dun doesn’t think our lectures are as important as his thoughts right now, am I right?” - He neared my desk and suddenly grabbed my journal.

"The New Vision. Extraordinary men propel us forward. It is our duty to break the law..” - He read out loud what I had scribbled down and his laugh filled up the room. “Fantastic” - He said and looked at me.

"There's more life in those three sentences than in the dozens of bad sonnets we've read in class.” - I mumbled. Stevees cocked his eyes and looked down on me. I was shaking now. I was getting myself into the trouble. He threw the journal back to me and straightened up.

“Let’s just get back to the topic..”

—

I was waken up by the loud sound of crashing and banging behind my wall. I quickly sat up, I realized the noise was coming from Tyler’s room. I jumped out of my bed, putting on my pants and run out to the hall. The second I closed my door, Tyler’s door opened and I saw furious Chris walking out, hands clutched in fists. He bawled something so inappropriate my brain couldn’t even manage to understand it. He slammed the door behind him and walked away without even noticing me. I swallowed hard, scared of what I might see in Tyler’s room. I slowly approached it and knocked. Three times. I didn’t get any kind of a response, but that’s what Tyler always did, so I decided to just open the door and walk in.

“Ty..?” - my voice sounded pathetic. I wished I could slap myself. My eyes quickly examined the room,looking for the mystery-boy. The room was dark, but I finally saw him. Sitting on the floor and leaning on the bed with his back. His eyes were closed, trembling fingers holding the burning cigarette. He looked small, broken. I neared him and crouched, trying to make an eye-contact with him, but he was definitely avoiding my gaze.

“You want to talk about it?” - I asked softly. Tyler shook his head, dragging off his cigarette.

“Okay” - I whispered and sat near him. I wished he talked to me. I wish I knew what happened.

I stopped breathing, because suddenly Tyler moved close to me, his head now resting on my shoulder.. I was afraid to move, I didn’t want him to leave.

“First thought, best thought” - Tyler whispered and I sighed from a relief, I was glad he finally spoke to me.

“What does that even mean, Ty?” - I asked. Tyler raised his head, sad eyes looked at me.

“Read to me.” - He asked. Begged,even. My heart messed up the only job it had and started beating messily. I smiled nervously.

“Yeah, sure..” - Tyler’s head was back on my shoulder.

“Be careful. You are not in wonderland.

I have heard the strange madness long growing in your soul.

But you are fortunate.

In your ignorance

In your isolation, you who have suffered

Find where love hides.

Give. Share. Lose.

Lest we die unbloomed..”

We sat in the dark silence for what felt like an hour. I was glad Tyler didn’t say anything about my poem. I was glad he didn’t move his head. I was gl.. Oh. I felt Tyler’s long,cold fingers wrapping around my hand. Oh this felt so right. So right.

“You wrote that?” - He finally spoke up.

“You asked me, remember?”

I felt him smiling. “Josh.” - He whispered. “Beautiful.” The silence fell again after these words. It lasted for too long, I felt my eyelids getting heavier and my breathing slowing down. I felt safe.

\--

“They know what happened in Chicago.” - I heard Tyler nervously pacing in the room. My mind was blinded by the sleep, I wanted to open my eyes and see who Tyler was talking to, but I couldn’t force myself. How long have I been asleep?

“How?!” - It was Brendon. He was angry. Furious.

“Yesterday, Steeves called me into his office. He told me we all are their responsibility and..” - his voice cracked. "Fuck, who said anybody could know anything about anything?!” - Tyler snapped. It was the first time I’ve hard him cursing. It was the first time he was so angry.

“Fuck them, Tyler. Fuck all of them. They don’t know a thing about you. What happened in Chicago is none of their buisness.” - Brendon’s voice was now calmer then before. I’ve heard sniffles. Was Tyler crying? No, no no Tyler don’t cry. Fuck them, fuck everyone.

“It will be okay, Ty-guy.” - Brendon whispered. Yes, everything will be okay.

“I want to leave” - Tyler said.

“To drop out? And where would you go?” - Why did Brendon sound so calm about this?

“You know me. I’m only good at beginnings.” - No. Tyler you can’t leave. Brendon, you can’t let him leave! Why the hell were my eyelids so heavy, why the hell couldn’t I open my eyes. I wanted to see Tyler. I wanted to hug him, to tell him he’s not alone in this. Whatever this is. But I couldn’t collect my thoughts and energy.

“You know what? It’s our turn. Let’s show them what we can do.” - Brendon announced suddenly. “You in?” - he asked defiantly.

“What did your genius brain come up with this time, Urie?” - Tyler sounded better now. Brendon laughed quietly.

“We need Ryan, we need Gerard.. And Josh.” - He said. My hurt jumped a little. They need me. But for what?

And that was it. I was drifting away into the darkness again.

—

We were sitting in the library. Me and Brendon were spying on the young, flirty librarian at the main desk. She placed a key ring in the drawer, then turned around and handed some book to the boy standing in front of her.

"It must come back exactly as you found it.” - she smiled at him. I rolled my eyes and turned my gaze to Tyler and the guy with bright red hair,who I’ve already guessed by now, was Gerard. I really liked his hair. I wish I was brave enough to color my hair red. They were standing behind us. Gerard tucked his shirt and ran hand through his messy hair. He jabbed a piece of gum from his mouth into Tyler’s palm,sighed and made his way up to the main desk.

"I see you checking out all these books. And I’m asking myself: do you ever get checked out?” - he asked cockily, brows arching. The girl’s face lightened up. She looked down at her watch and smiled at Gerard, whispering something to him. Gerard’s smile fell from his face.

“Shit. Shift’s over.” - Tyler mumbled. Gerard looked back at us, sadly shrugged and walked off with the girl,while the other one walked up the desk. This girl was prettier than the first one. But nobody cared about her. We just needed to get rid of her. Ryan was out of the town and now,that Gerard was gone, it was only three of us left.

“I’ll go.” - I said. Why did I say it?!

Brendon nodded as I walked up to the librarian, of course stumbling over something but regaining my balance.

“Um hi.” - I murmured, trying really hard not to sound dumb. She looked up and as I smiled at her nervously.

"I wondered if you could help me.”

“Sure.” - She answered.

“I’m looking for the book..”

“Well okay, does the book have a name?” - She asked, lifting her brow and smiling back at me.

“Sure, yes. It’s called..uh.. Okay. I don’t need a book. I just.. really like you..?” - I tried to sound honest. It worked, because the next moment I knew,the girl was placing the sign “HELPING A READER. BACK IN 5 MINUTES.” on the desk.

“Follow me.” - She murmured and we headed off the stacks. That’s when I noticed. She had the keys in her hands. THE keys, the one Brendon and Tyler had to steal from the drawer. I looked back at him, eyes pointing on the keys. Brendon pushed Tyler weakly.

“Go.” - he whispered to him. Tyler followed us slowly.

“Uh..Working here must be a drag.” - I said. I had to distract her

"I like it. It's the only way I meet boys.” - she winked at me. We hided behind the shelves when suddenly, she lifted up her sweater, baring her breasts. My breath hitched. I didn’t expect this. At all. She set the keys down on the desk behind her. Tyler quickly grabbed them and run back, handing them to Brendon. He placed it into a clay molding and made an impression.

"Did you know I’ve never done it with freshman before? I really want to know what it looks like.” - she whispered as she pawed the front of my pants, undoing my belt. God help me. I shut my eyes.

“First time, huh?”

“Uh no.” - I lied.

"If you have done it before, you'll last for thirty seconds. Start counting.” - She smirked and opened my fly. I tried to stop her but it was too late. Oh.

“ 1…2…3….” - Tyler returned keys and saw me getting my first blowjob. He leaned against the books and watched. I was embarrassed.

“4..5…” - Tyler flashed me with a wicked grin.

“6…7..” - Over the girl’s head, I watched him staring at me. Shit. His gaze made me feel really aroused.

“8..9..” - His dark eyes darted from my eyes to my lips, then locked again on my eyes. He was smirking, that stupid, mysterious, fucking smirk. Oh god damn it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I thrusted into her mouth, coming. I finished and she rose back up, unimpressed, dropping her sweater.

“Knew it.” - She mumbled disappointedly,grabbed the keys and walked off. I quickly lifted my pants and tied my belt.

“I am never doing this distracting thing again.” - I sighed and looked at Tyler, but he was already gone. “Oh.."


	4. four shot glasses - four hands

The light from out flashlights sliced through the dark as we entered the library through the heavy,metallic door. Gerard reached into Brendon’s mouth and took the chewing gum from inside it.

“What the fuck, Way?!” - Brendon shoot a glare at him.

Gerard pressed the sticky gum into the strike plate of the door, blocking it from being able to close shut.

“Ooh, nice!” - Brendon grinned and turned around to face me and Tyler. “We have to split. Me and Gerard are going to the main hall, and you two” - he pointed at us. “Go up to the stacks,got it?” - We gave him a silent nod. Tyler walked off to the stairs and I followed him, like a lost puppy. Brendon and Gerard had to unscrew the glass from the vitrines encasing the historic books and manuscripts, which were proudly located in the center of the library.

We approached the gated “RESTRICTED ACCESS” room. Tyler grabbed the padded lock and fitted it in the molded key, which Brendon made. I was watching him. Staring. He turned the keys and threw open the gate between us and the restricted books.

Suddenly, the alarm exploded in the quiet. Tyler looked at me with wide eyes, this was not planned. I stopped breathing. Oh no. We’re busted. I’m getting expelled. I grabbed some books from the shelves and we run back to the main hall, where Brendon and Gerard were waiting for us. I handed them the books and they replaced the old, historical, wonderful books with Kamasutra and some other restricted books. Gerard tried to screw the glass back, but suddenly froze.

Alarm stopped.

“WE KNOW YOU’RE HERE!” - The furious voice broke into the library. It was a security guard. Game over. Our work not done, we race back to the entrance door.Brendon and Gerard were running with me but.. There was no Tyler. I looked back and saw him. He ducked behind the vitrine and turned his flashlight off. Oh, what the hell was he doing? We had to run!

We approached the door, Brendon reached it and tried to open. It was closed.

“What the hell, Gerard?! It’s locked!” - Gerard’s face turned white from the shock. He pointed to the ground, showing us something. The gum. Somebody removed it from the lock. Through the arch, leading inside, we saw the guards canvassing the room with flashlights.

“WE KNOW YOU’RE HERE!”

“COME ON OUT!”

Across the room, I noticed two glass doors leading to the balcony. I pointed at them. Gerard nodded and whipped his flashlight in a tremendous arch to another room. It clattered noisily. A distraction. Nice. And it worked. Guards chased after the noise. We bolted to the glass door and throw it wide open.

“Wait, Tyler!” - Brendon whispered and we look back at Tyler, who was furiously trying to place the glass. I did not even think for a second, I run back to him, grabbed the glass from his hands and somehow placed it on the vitrine, while he tried to screw it back. His eyes were so scary. He looked like he was possessed.

“Ty, it’s enough, come on! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“No, no not yet. No we have..We have to secure it.” - his serious voice sent shiver down my spine.

A flashlight found us. Shit. The guard pulled out Billy clubs.

“DON’T MOVE! IT’S OVER!” - One of them grabbed Tyler, but they couldn't catch me. I run out of the hall and turn back just to see Tyler struggling, enraged.

“Get off me! Josh! Help!” - I did not know what to do, when suddenly.. I saw a console of switches on the wall .Desperately, I reached for them and flipped them all on. All the lights in the whole library came on at once. A blinding flash. After a moment, I switched them off again and look at Tyler. This was his moment. He wriggled out of guard’s hands and run. I joined him. Brendon and Gerard were waiting for us near the glass door. The next moment I new we were on the veranda, which was leading to the library yard. Gerard slammed the door behind us, Brendon run the chain through the handle and locked it. The door bulged as the guards banged into it.

“OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!” - Brendon laughed at this. What was so funny? We turned around and run to the grand steps leading to our campus. I looked back, to see the library once again. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest from what I saw. Christopher, leaning on the wall near the main entrance door. It was him. He has set us up. He removed the gum ad called guards. Finally, we approached our dormitory, run up the stairs and jumped into my room,slamming the door behind us. The room was filled with the sound of breathing and laughing. I faced Tyler, who was now sitting on the bed, breathing heavily.

“It was Chris.” - I mumbled. Tyler’s eyes got wide, his head snapped up to look at me.

“What?!”

“I saw him near the library. He fucking set us up.” - Tyler’s face twitched from the..anger? Was it an anger? Or the pain? His eyes filled with tears. He covered the face with his hands.

“FUCK!!” - he shouted. Brendon appeared near him in seconds, one hands placed over Tyler’s shoulders, hugging him.

“Ty, breath. We’re okay, we did it. Nobody saw our faces. He will pay for what he did, I promise.” - He murmured calming words to Tyler’s ear. I looked at Gerard, sitting near my desk and shaking his head,disappointedly. He caught me gaze and said something so quiet I had to read his lips.

“I will kill the bastard."

\--

I walked into the library, humming some stupid melody and trying really hard to no look guilty. I saw Tyler and Gerard sitting down on one of the desks. Gerard grinned at me and pointed his finger to the vitrines. Near them, tour guides were telling long, uninteresting stories about this university, and especially our library.

"The South Hall library is a church,and these are the sacraments..” - I’ve heard them saying. The crowd of kids mumbled, then laughed loudly. The guide, confused, looked inside the vitrine to see the Kama Sutra opened up to a particularly salacious page. The explicit images from a Grecian urn. Lady Chatterly’s Lover, Ulysses, all the books banned, restricted, kept from public eye. And lastly: Tropic of Cancer. By Henry Miller. Tyler chose the pages really carefully. I sat down near Gerard, who was laughing so hard he nearly choked.

"Oh. My. God.” - The tour guide gasped. He looked down at the vitrine once again. There was a note, left on the glass:

**"Mr. Misty-eyed."**


	5. usual devilish smile

"To literacy!” - Brendon announced as Tyler, Gerard and I threw back our drinks in celebration. The jukebox was playing over the lazy, drunken afternoon. My eyes scanned the wall behind us. There were tons of the photographs: ribbon-cuttings, sport team-photos, graduations: life in a thousand fake smiles and stagings.

“I hate that wall.” - Tyler whispered to me. “It is build to make people think they left some mark on the world. Because otherwise nobody would ever know.. I don’t ever want to end up on this wall.” - He said the last sentence out loudly.

“Have no fear, my friend. You never will.” - Gerard grinned at him. I nodded my head and smiled. Suddenly, the cold wind wrapped my body, causing me to look at the entrance door. Chris appeared in the bar. Brendon and Gerard looked at each other, mystified.

“What’s he doing here?!” - I couldn’t hide my anger. Chris spotted us and walked briskly to Tyler.

“Since you didn’t show up yesterday, I just wanted to give you this.” - he said with monotone voice and dropped a Term paper on the table. “On the Decline of the West.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to see you.” - I hissed at him.

“I think Tyler can speak for himself.” - Chris did not even look at me. Tyler stood up to get a drink, but Chris grabbed his arm. Smaller boy tried to push him off, but obviously, Chris’ grip was too strong."Your library hijink made the morning paper. I'm sure you're all very proud.”

“We know you set us up, we saw you!” - Brendon jumped up and tried to free Tyler from man’s grip, but once again, it didn’t work. I looked at Tyler, waiting for him to say something. Anything. But he was looking at his feet, in full silence. Chris let Tyler’s arm go. Suddenly, he threw down Tyler’s scarf to the table. A private power move.

“You left this at my place.”

Brendon jolted up and shoved Chris back, pinning him on the wall.

“You motherfucker!”

“You wanted me to get kicked out?!” - Tyler suddenly bawled at Chris.

“Stop, Ty.. You’re losing control again. You know what comes next. I know what comes next..” - Christopher whispered, looking straight into Tyler’s eyes. The younger man turned around, avoiding man’s gaze and mumbled. "Best of luck, Janitor.”

“What?!”

“We are over. Leave..” - Tyler spindled the paper and plunged it into a beer. Chris in shock, pushed Brendon away and began to shatter in front of them.

“No,no.. Look at me, Ty.” - Tears welled in his eyes.But Tyler sat back down, ignoring him. Now Gerard stood up, trying to lead the crying man away.

“Chris you need to leave..”

“You said I was everything to you. You are everything to me. Everything!! Do you hear me?” - Chris fractured. That was it: the real uninhibited, uncensored self.

“Christopher!” - Gerard tried to calm him down.

“Leave me alone, you bastard!” - He shouted and looked down at Tyler. "You'd be dead if it weren't for me!”

For a moment, Tyler’s eyes filled with sadness. But soon they became dead cold,again. What was he talking about?! Why would Tyler be dead? Finally, Gerard pushed Chris away. The man scanned us one last time and run from the pub.

I felt Tyler’s hand on my shoulders and turned to face him.

“You’d be boring if it weren’t for me” - He smiled. It was a fake smile. For sure. I knew it was. But I smiled back. He looked at Brendon, who was lighting his cigarette and not paying any kind of an attention to us.

“Let’s get out of here.” - Tyler mumbled and his hand left my shoulders. I felt cold without his touch.

—

Gerard’s snoring filled up the whole room. We were back in the dormitory. Me and Tyler,drunk as hell, have been sitting in the dead silence for two hours now. I was staring at him again. But, in fact, it was different this time. Because he was staring back at me. My heart was pumping so fast and loud, Brendon would probably hear it from the other side of the town. Suddenly, Tyler tucked his body near me.

"This is just the beginning, you know.” - He whispered and laid his head against my shoulder. "Your fault, Dun. It’s all your fault.” His thigh brushed against mine. I stared at him, in the full glare of his warmth. My eyes went up to check Gerard. He was dead asleep. I looked back at Tyler.

“First thought, best thought.” - I mumble and lean over. Fuck . My lips landed on his pink ones. I kissed Tyler. His taste was a mix of alcohol, cigarettes and.. blueberry Everything I’ve ever wished for the last month. Here it was. . Our kiss builded in passion as Tyler’s fingers stroke my cheeks. He moved closer and locked his arms on the back of my neck, causing me to moan a little. Oh shit.. I was getting really,really hard.

Gerard mumbled something in his sleep. Tyler tensed and pulled away. The moment has been shattered. Nice, Gerard. As if nothing happened. Tyler stood up and looked down at snoring Gerard. He crouched near him and pushed him slightly.

“Come on, Ger. We need to get back to our rooms.” - Gerard opened his eyes and sighed. He crawled out from the blanket and stood up from couch.

“Bye Josh. See ya.” - He said and yawned. Tyler patted his shoulder and smiled.

“Go, sleepy-head.” - He looked back at me, eyes..empty. As if we did not kiss a moment ago.

“Good night, Josh.”

“Night,Ty.” - I whispered. Now I could see sadness in his eyes.

“Ten pages on Spengler’s Decline of the West. Due tomorrow.” - He said suddenly.

“What?”

“I’d be dead without you,Josh.” - Shivers went down my spine.

And then he left. I put head in my hands. “Fuck.. Fuck!"


End file.
